The times they are a changin

It's been a while since my last post and a lot has happened to me. My oldest sister and her husband of 9 years had their second baby...my beautiful magical niece Adah Pascale. I did a sprint triathlon this summer which was just awesome, I got hired as a full time baker and moved into a beautiful big house with my brother and three friends.

Life keeps going on and things keep happening but the changing of events isnt whats been occupying my mind. My thoughts have turned more and more to my future and what awaits me. I really hate admitting this because I never wanted to be someone who obsessed over their future. I want to live in the moment and, yes, still work toward something but do so without compulsively planning out how it will determine my future. But all of this is so say that the pressure to make a plan for my life is increasing daily. It really only comes from myself and the lack of plan makes me even more afraid of a plan and the need for one.

I'm sure this is all very confusing...the lack of plan and the fear of a plan has created this hollow restless feeling . Like I'm waiting for something to start or for an adventure to sweep me away. All the things that have happened in my life lately seem to have floated by in front of me and though I know them and am connected with them it feels like theyre far away some how.

My very best childhood friend Diana has gone to a different school than me since we graduated from 8th grade but she will always be my soul sister. We go through months without talking but when we catch up we are always on the same page, always experiencing the same joys, doubts, fears and feelings. When I tried to explain this restlessness thats been occupying my thoughts and keeping me awake she knew exactly what I was talking about and said she had felt the same way since graduating high school. She said it was as if we left yakima with these grand ambitions of how we would go somewhere and make something of ourselves but we were blind going into the vast everything. There was nothing waiting for us though. It was like no one cared that we wanted to save the world, we werent doing anything about. So now here we are with no one to save and no plan .

She said (and a lot of people have been saying this to me lately) that we're 20 year old girls...this is the time to do whatever we want. We arent married and we dont have kids. Now is the time to travel and go sky diving and learn to fix a car and make up our own bed times.

My mom says I wont feel settles until I get married and have my first baby. This is a really beautiful thought, it offers me this vision of real security and a definite happiness but to be honest I dont even know if I want that. Why does something that sounds so great not sound like a good enough answer? It's scary to think about this unsettled, unconnected, restless feeling accompanying me through the rest of my life.

I just feel like this is one rare window I have in my life in which I can do things I want to do for me. I have no idea what I'm working toward in school and it's hard to be focused and to invest so much money on something that is still a complete mystery. I'm not saying I want to drop out of school and be a gypsy (though some days it sounds tempting), I still love learning and it's a privilege. But I feel in my gut like I'm missing out on something. Like I need to just get up and go.

Ahhhh the troubles of a 20 year old middle class American white girl.

much love

The V-Word

It's been a little over 4 months since I decided to go vegan. yes, vegan. I really hate telling people "I'm vegan" because it carries so many negotive connotations to my mind. I remember workign at Essencia and the young yuppie women would come in all brimming with energy and shiny from working out at the gym and ask if there was dairy in the soup and give a little sigh, raise their eyebrows and shift their weight to the other foot when I would tell them it was, in fact, cream based. So I hated to be seen as one of "those people" who i myself really really didnt like.

I geuss I'll start with why I made the switch. I've been an athlete my whole life and i love working out, sports, teams, activity. When I went to college this love of sports sort of took a turn in that I no longer had a team and if i was going to keep inshape and also my sanity, I would have to drive myself. I became a little more health-conscious in that I would watch what I ate, when I ate and why I ate and I would work out a lot. This kept progressing and I kept wanting to increase my health knowledge, really know how I could turn it up a notch. All through the summer and fall when I was at home I worked out all the time but I wanted to eat better to. Still livign at home it was hard to think of drastically changing my diet b/c i wasnt the one buying the groceries. However, I started to look into new diets, ones that would give me a lot of energy, not a lot of fat, and in generall make me a healthier person.

Vegetarianism definitely has its benefits. I mostly found that meat takes a lot longer to digest and the body also uses a lot of energy to digest it-precious energy i could be using doing something else! For sure, meat is awesome for protein. But that's countered with a high amount of saturated fats. I can get the same amount of protein from vegetables, beans, and soy without the fats and saving that energy. also after a while of being vegan meat is a little weird to me. I never really sympathized with the animal rights activists. I mean, i did, but it never really drove me to change my diet-it was all a selfish deal for me. but now when i look at meat i get a little weirded out...its a dead animal.

the vegan aspect seemed to go hand in hand with the vegetarian diet for me because soy would be a huge source of protein for me and besides, vanilla soy milk is DELICIOUS. cutting dairy wasn't as hard as you would think. It was reason for me to stay away from junk food (ie pastries at work) and they make vegan everything so it wasnt hard to awitch. i do miss cheese, ill admit, but my thighs are testament enough to the outrageous benefits of not eating dairy.

being vegan has really been about being healthier. It's been great. awesome. totally sweet. ive only lost about 5 lbs over the months but ive been able to hold muscle way better than i did before. I'm still working out a lot and playing rugby and Ive noticed that my energy level has soared. I dont really drink caffeine at all anymore and sleep really well. i FEEL tremendous. plus, i can still eat chocolate and cookies and cake-the coop here has AWESOME vegan cake every once in a while.

so all in all i dont eat meat and i dont eat dairy. im thinking about eating eggs more. i love them. i dont like to call myself vegan b/c its like everyone who hears it automatically puts me on a different level than them which is annoying. also, i dont think its the best way to live. i dont think people who eat meat are gross and i dont think dairy is from the devil. i like this lifestyle for me.

much love

Just one of my glowing sisters

My oldest sister Maggie is getting ready to have her second baby, this one expected to be a girl. When Maggie had Levi I was in high school and, though I appreciated it and was SO SO SO excited for it, this new baby has already touched me in unimaginable ways.

Although it's been mostly from afar, watching and experiencing Levi grrow has been so eye-opening. The way maggie and schuyler have raised him and the way they love and nurture him has made me nervous to have kids, i dont think i could do anywhere near the job theyve done. The kid is just so smart and bright and FUN!

I just feel like this time around being an auntie is going to be different because the idea of birth and new life is one that is so mind-blowing to me. This baby girl is the product of the love my sister and her husband and fostered, one which i hope to find in my own life. they are just both the most amazing people. they believe in themselves and in their own minds and i feel that creates the best kind of family for their children to grow up in.

since i can remember maggie has been an object of adventure and ingenuity and creativity and independence and strength and original thought. i guess its only natural that she would be such an outstanding woman and mother.

i feel like this whole post has been rambling and not really making the point i want to make. maybe i should boil it down.
-maggie and schuyler=the parents i want to be to my children some day
-levi=the funnest effing kid ever
-new baby girl=rocks my world

Those kids who pretend they aren't cold

I'm in the library sitting my the window. It's pretty cold outside, foggy, I could see my breathe when I was walking to campus this morning. Point is, it's too cold to just hang out outside for long periods of time. I'm looking at this group of kids who have been standing outside in the quad for the last hour or so and they are obviously freezing. One has a guitar, duh, and another has his pants that are too tight rolled up with only old lack crocs on as shoes. I don't think the kid with the guitar is actually playing. I just don't dig these groups. I see them every once in a while and am just bewildered. Why are they outside? Why arent they wearing socks? Yes, they have my attention, but if I was that desperate I wouldn't draw attention to myself.

This blog is one written out of bewilderment. I try not to judge, I don't know them. But from an outsiders view...c'mon. It's pretty rediculous.

much love

In my eternal conquest for the right school

So being that USF royally screwed me over in the financial department and I was more or less forced to transfer, I now find myself in Bellingham, WA. My brother Peter and I made the big move about a month ago into a small drafty apartment with shady neighbors and no towel rack in the bathroom. However, none of that really matters because its ours. It's the first time that I am paying my own rent, having to worry about bills and turning off lights and scrounging change for laundry. It's all very exciting and lonely but a brother makes much more bearable.

I'm starting classes at Western Washington U on Tuesday and I COULD NOT be more excited. Since my decision to transfer it's benn one hell of a bumpy road. Last semester I stayed home and worked and saved money for the move but I couldn't help but feel like my brain was melting out of my ears. I'm not a fan of not being in school. So the brain sweating begins on Tuesday with only 3 classes: Biology 101 with lab, European civilization 101, and Society and Lit Nanotexts.

I've rekindled an old middle school friendship and she also plays rugby which will make for a smooth transition to the life I loved and left in SF: RUGBY!! I'm also working at a small bakery and deli here in B'ham which I like. It's good pay and good people and I have no complaints.

Other than all that I'm still just tugging along, trying to keep afloat and having a good time. Until next time,

much love

"This is how the entire course of a life can be changed - by doing nothing. On Chesil Beach he could have called out to Florence, he could have gone after her. He did not know, or would not have cared to know, that as she ran from him, certain in her distress that she was about to lose him, she had never loved him more, or more hopelessly, and that the sound of his voice would have been a deliverance, and she would have turned back. Instead, he stood in cold and righteous silence in the summer's dusk, watching her hurry along the shore, and the sound of her difficult progress lost to the breaking of small waves, until she was a blurred, receding point against the immense strait road of shingle gleaming in the pallid light."

-On Chesil Beach
Ian McEwan

Support our troops....?

A mission, well wish, or an actuality? I feel like our country is so backwards and it's so frustrating sometimes. I know two people personally who have served in Iraq since the war has started and they have both had to kill people. Neither will really talk about it but the jist has been made pretty obvious. One of the soldiers had to kill an innocent woman. It was most likely due to the fact that the woman had no clue what she was supposed to do or what the American soldiers were asking of her. But the soldier was ordered to kill her and the passenger in her car and he did.

Personally, I don't know if I would be able to take a life. I ran over a squirl once and felt awful, even cried. Now if it was in defense, I could see it being a little easier, like if someone broke into my house or threatened my family or something like that. But I don't think I have it in me to take an innocent life. If I ever did, i would need an outrageous amount of really good therapy. Now add the stress, pressure and sorrow of being in a different country, away from home, AT WAR, and having to take an innocent life. Then the next day seeing your friends killed and/or mamed. Then having to shoot random people in the streets, not knowing who or what they are.

Our soldiers are put in extraordinary situations daily and are commanded to perform. An entire country is oressuring them to do the things we cannot. They are used to do the dirty work of the rich politicians who make all the decisions. And yet when they are finally able to come home we, as a nation, do not support them, no matter what we like to display on our t-shirts and car windows. WAY too many soldiers are not given care and attention they NEED. This is not a .uxury we are denying them, it is a necessity. How can we send our sisters and our brothers and our cousins and nour parents to war without making sure they are taken care of? These are the people who risk their lives and the weel being of their own families so that we can sit in our nicely heated houses and enjoy home cooked meals and the conversation of our loved ones. There should never be a question of whether or not to support our troops. It should be a priority.