The times they are a changin

It's been a while since my last post and a lot has happened to me. My oldest sister and her husband of 9 years had their second baby...my beautiful magical niece Adah Pascale. I did a sprint triathlon this summer which was just awesome, I got hired as a full time baker and moved into a beautiful big house with my brother and three friends.

Life keeps going on and things keep happening but the changing of events isnt whats been occupying my mind. My thoughts have turned more and more to my future and what awaits me. I really hate admitting this because I never wanted to be someone who obsessed over their future. I want to live in the moment and, yes, still work toward something but do so without compulsively planning out how it will determine my future. But all of this is so say that the pressure to make a plan for my life is increasing daily. It really only comes from myself and the lack of plan makes me even more afraid of a plan and the need for one.

I'm sure this is all very confusing...the lack of plan and the fear of a plan has created this hollow restless feeling . Like I'm waiting for something to start or for an adventure to sweep me away. All the things that have happened in my life lately seem to have floated by in front of me and though I know them and am connected with them it feels like theyre far away some how.

My very best childhood friend Diana has gone to a different school than me since we graduated from 8th grade but she will always be my soul sister. We go through months without talking but when we catch up we are always on the same page, always experiencing the same joys, doubts, fears and feelings. When I tried to explain this restlessness thats been occupying my thoughts and keeping me awake she knew exactly what I was talking about and said she had felt the same way since graduating high school. She said it was as if we left yakima with these grand ambitions of how we would go somewhere and make something of ourselves but we were blind going into the vast everything. There was nothing waiting for us though. It was like no one cared that we wanted to save the world, we werent doing anything about. So now here we are with no one to save and no plan .

She said (and a lot of people have been saying this to me lately) that we're 20 year old girls...this is the time to do whatever we want. We arent married and we dont have kids. Now is the time to travel and go sky diving and learn to fix a car and make up our own bed times.

My mom says I wont feel settles until I get married and have my first baby. This is a really beautiful thought, it offers me this vision of real security and a definite happiness but to be honest I dont even know if I want that. Why does something that sounds so great not sound like a good enough answer? It's scary to think about this unsettled, unconnected, restless feeling accompanying me through the rest of my life.

I just feel like this is one rare window I have in my life in which I can do things I want to do for me. I have no idea what I'm working toward in school and it's hard to be focused and to invest so much money on something that is still a complete mystery. I'm not saying I want to drop out of school and be a gypsy (though some days it sounds tempting), I still love learning and it's a privilege. But I feel in my gut like I'm missing out on something. Like I need to just get up and go.

Ahhhh the troubles of a 20 year old middle class American white girl.

much love

The V-Word

It's been a little over 4 months since I decided to go vegan. yes, vegan. I really hate telling people "I'm vegan" because it carries so many negotive connotations to my mind. I remember workign at Essencia and the young yuppie women would come in all brimming with energy and shiny from working out at the gym and ask if there was dairy in the soup and give a little sigh, raise their eyebrows and shift their weight to the other foot when I would tell them it was, in fact, cream based. So I hated to be seen as one of "those people" who i myself really really didnt like.

I geuss I'll start with why I made the switch. I've been an athlete my whole life and i love working out, sports, teams, activity. When I went to college this love of sports sort of took a turn in that I no longer had a team and if i was going to keep inshape and also my sanity, I would have to drive myself. I became a little more health-conscious in that I would watch what I ate, when I ate and why I ate and I would work out a lot. This kept progressing and I kept wanting to increase my health knowledge, really know how I could turn it up a notch. All through the summer and fall when I was at home I worked out all the time but I wanted to eat better to. Still livign at home it was hard to think of drastically changing my diet b/c i wasnt the one buying the groceries. However, I started to look into new diets, ones that would give me a lot of energy, not a lot of fat, and in generall make me a healthier person.

Vegetarianism definitely has its benefits. I mostly found that meat takes a lot longer to digest and the body also uses a lot of energy to digest it-precious energy i could be using doing something else! For sure, meat is awesome for protein. But that's countered with a high amount of saturated fats. I can get the same amount of protein from vegetables, beans, and soy without the fats and saving that energy. also after a while of being vegan meat is a little weird to me. I never really sympathized with the animal rights activists. I mean, i did, but it never really drove me to change my diet-it was all a selfish deal for me. but now when i look at meat i get a little weirded out...its a dead animal.

the vegan aspect seemed to go hand in hand with the vegetarian diet for me because soy would be a huge source of protein for me and besides, vanilla soy milk is DELICIOUS. cutting dairy wasn't as hard as you would think. It was reason for me to stay away from junk food (ie pastries at work) and they make vegan everything so it wasnt hard to awitch. i do miss cheese, ill admit, but my thighs are testament enough to the outrageous benefits of not eating dairy.

being vegan has really been about being healthier. It's been great. awesome. totally sweet. ive only lost about 5 lbs over the months but ive been able to hold muscle way better than i did before. I'm still working out a lot and playing rugby and Ive noticed that my energy level has soared. I dont really drink caffeine at all anymore and sleep really well. i FEEL tremendous. plus, i can still eat chocolate and cookies and cake-the coop here has AWESOME vegan cake every once in a while.

so all in all i dont eat meat and i dont eat dairy. im thinking about eating eggs more. i love them. i dont like to call myself vegan b/c its like everyone who hears it automatically puts me on a different level than them which is annoying. also, i dont think its the best way to live. i dont think people who eat meat are gross and i dont think dairy is from the devil. i like this lifestyle for me.

much love

Just one of my glowing sisters

My oldest sister Maggie is getting ready to have her second baby, this one expected to be a girl. When Maggie had Levi I was in high school and, though I appreciated it and was SO SO SO excited for it, this new baby has already touched me in unimaginable ways.

Although it's been mostly from afar, watching and experiencing Levi grrow has been so eye-opening. The way maggie and schuyler have raised him and the way they love and nurture him has made me nervous to have kids, i dont think i could do anywhere near the job theyve done. The kid is just so smart and bright and FUN!

I just feel like this time around being an auntie is going to be different because the idea of birth and new life is one that is so mind-blowing to me. This baby girl is the product of the love my sister and her husband and fostered, one which i hope to find in my own life. they are just both the most amazing people. they believe in themselves and in their own minds and i feel that creates the best kind of family for their children to grow up in.

since i can remember maggie has been an object of adventure and ingenuity and creativity and independence and strength and original thought. i guess its only natural that she would be such an outstanding woman and mother.

i feel like this whole post has been rambling and not really making the point i want to make. maybe i should boil it down.
-maggie and schuyler=the parents i want to be to my children some day
-levi=the funnest effing kid ever
-new baby girl=rocks my world

Those kids who pretend they aren't cold

I'm in the library sitting my the window. It's pretty cold outside, foggy, I could see my breathe when I was walking to campus this morning. Point is, it's too cold to just hang out outside for long periods of time. I'm looking at this group of kids who have been standing outside in the quad for the last hour or so and they are obviously freezing. One has a guitar, duh, and another has his pants that are too tight rolled up with only old lack crocs on as shoes. I don't think the kid with the guitar is actually playing. I just don't dig these groups. I see them every once in a while and am just bewildered. Why are they outside? Why arent they wearing socks? Yes, they have my attention, but if I was that desperate I wouldn't draw attention to myself.

This blog is one written out of bewilderment. I try not to judge, I don't know them. But from an outsiders view...c'mon. It's pretty rediculous.

much love

In my eternal conquest for the right school

So being that USF royally screwed me over in the financial department and I was more or less forced to transfer, I now find myself in Bellingham, WA. My brother Peter and I made the big move about a month ago into a small drafty apartment with shady neighbors and no towel rack in the bathroom. However, none of that really matters because its ours. It's the first time that I am paying my own rent, having to worry about bills and turning off lights and scrounging change for laundry. It's all very exciting and lonely but a brother makes much more bearable.

I'm starting classes at Western Washington U on Tuesday and I COULD NOT be more excited. Since my decision to transfer it's benn one hell of a bumpy road. Last semester I stayed home and worked and saved money for the move but I couldn't help but feel like my brain was melting out of my ears. I'm not a fan of not being in school. So the brain sweating begins on Tuesday with only 3 classes: Biology 101 with lab, European civilization 101, and Society and Lit Nanotexts.

I've rekindled an old middle school friendship and she also plays rugby which will make for a smooth transition to the life I loved and left in SF: RUGBY!! I'm also working at a small bakery and deli here in B'ham which I like. It's good pay and good people and I have no complaints.

Other than all that I'm still just tugging along, trying to keep afloat and having a good time. Until next time,

much love

"This is how the entire course of a life can be changed - by doing nothing. On Chesil Beach he could have called out to Florence, he could have gone after her. He did not know, or would not have cared to know, that as she ran from him, certain in her distress that she was about to lose him, she had never loved him more, or more hopelessly, and that the sound of his voice would have been a deliverance, and she would have turned back. Instead, he stood in cold and righteous silence in the summer's dusk, watching her hurry along the shore, and the sound of her difficult progress lost to the breaking of small waves, until she was a blurred, receding point against the immense strait road of shingle gleaming in the pallid light."

-On Chesil Beach
Ian McEwan

Support our troops....?

A mission, well wish, or an actuality? I feel like our country is so backwards and it's so frustrating sometimes. I know two people personally who have served in Iraq since the war has started and they have both had to kill people. Neither will really talk about it but the jist has been made pretty obvious. One of the soldiers had to kill an innocent woman. It was most likely due to the fact that the woman had no clue what she was supposed to do or what the American soldiers were asking of her. But the soldier was ordered to kill her and the passenger in her car and he did.

Personally, I don't know if I would be able to take a life. I ran over a squirl once and felt awful, even cried. Now if it was in defense, I could see it being a little easier, like if someone broke into my house or threatened my family or something like that. But I don't think I have it in me to take an innocent life. If I ever did, i would need an outrageous amount of really good therapy. Now add the stress, pressure and sorrow of being in a different country, away from home, AT WAR, and having to take an innocent life. Then the next day seeing your friends killed and/or mamed. Then having to shoot random people in the streets, not knowing who or what they are.

Our soldiers are put in extraordinary situations daily and are commanded to perform. An entire country is oressuring them to do the things we cannot. They are used to do the dirty work of the rich politicians who make all the decisions. And yet when they are finally able to come home we, as a nation, do not support them, no matter what we like to display on our t-shirts and car windows. WAY too many soldiers are not given care and attention they NEED. This is not a .uxury we are denying them, it is a necessity. How can we send our sisters and our brothers and our cousins and nour parents to war without making sure they are taken care of? These are the people who risk their lives and the weel being of their own families so that we can sit in our nicely heated houses and enjoy home cooked meals and the conversation of our loved ones. There should never be a question of whether or not to support our troops. It should be a priority.

For the better part of my life the word "patriotic" and the phrase "proud to be an American" were the last things I wanted displayed on my bumper. I knew that I should love my country and that I should be willing to fight for it and most likely if you would have asked me either of those questions I would have answered with a resounding and seemingly confident yes. But he truth is, I never honestly and deeply felt proud or excited to be what so many other nations have associated with obesity, money, debt, rash decisions, hurtful pride, false security, hypocrisy, and corruption. I was never proud to be an American until the evening of November 4th. On the evening I heard a man stand uip and rally the people around him. I heard and watched a man overcome adversity and push others to do so too. I heard and saw a man admit to the large task at hand and admit that it would be a rocky road and ask for help from those who put him there. I heard and saw a man take power into his hands and hold it gently, knowing what it could mean for the nation he never stopped believing in.

Barack Obama is a better person than I am. He knew all along what his nation was capable of, whereas I was ready to move to the south pacific and break all ties with my native land. What Barack Obama means for this country is humility and grace, confidence and depth of character, reason and passion, hope and real justice. Leadership will not be based of fear anymore but compassion. We will not drop bombs we will rebuild schools and take care of our soldiers and educate teachers and support local economies and live sustainably.

Barack Obama, you have given me hope. You have turned a pesimistic 19 year old into an excited and proud American. I can't tell you how excited I am to be taken seriously by the rest of the world.

much love

God, The Creator and the Human Being

It's late and I should be asleep but like most late nights when I think too much and I can't sleep, I blog. Tonight's subject is one of a heftier thought load than most previous posts, but it's what I have on my mind...so here goes.

The subject is God. Or the Creator, or the individual, or the great mother, or however you choose to view the great force that drives, creates, frees, and illuminates us. Or at least me. I was raised Catholic and I feel that I have deep deep roots in the religion but I also feel that it has given me my own and individual faith.

What I think is so special about that force is that it propels so many, and I think all, of our actions and our thoughts and our cares and our dreams. I see that force, God, in everything. I see it in human interaction and nature most of all. The two go hand in hand in more ways than I can even think of and I think even further testifies to the way that force works. Human beings have a deep desire to be with one another. Some people consume their lives with finding a companion for the rest of their lives. People write songs and make movies and write books and drain themselves to find "the one". People live for other people. We complete each other. And isn't it interesting that human beings can do all those things (write music and books and movies) and we dedicate those enormous gifts to human interaction and the wooing of companions of all kinds- friends, lovers, family. Nothing can make one happier than the acknowledgment of someone close to ones heart.

Family is the best example of human beings fulfilling one another. My brothers and sisters, for example, are all SOOO different and they all complete me in different ways. Both my parents being me to life in different but equally special ways.

My friends and teammates complete me in a totally different way and they challenge me and because of them I know more about myself. Without that interaction I would be a completely different person.

Birth is the beginning of life and it starts with dependency and interaction between two people. The mother to the father and the mother to the baby and the father to the baby. My sister Maggie is pregnant again and I am older this time and can really understand what that means and its mind blowing. The way she is bringing a new life into the world and the way she is raising her son now is one of the most special things I've ever witnessed. It's a matter of interaction and dependency and more than anything LOVE. She, a mother, is love and grace and everything that shows the power and divinity of that force.

Nature, be it a mother and child, a forest, the sea, or the changing of the seasons, is that force, or God, at work. The force brings us into the world and reveals to us all the ways that we can feel truly alive.

Anyway, that's what I think. It's not about religion or organization, I think that life is about feeling alive and being aware of the force that has brought us to where we are and will carry us to the place we are supposed to be. Once I heard a priest say "Do not be afraid, just have faith." I find that so comforting not because I expect some huge white guy to come down and place me in a particular place but rather because I have faith that if I do what makes me happy and if I work for what I want, what is supposed to happen will.

Do not be afraid, just have faith.

much love

Dear College,

I have recently become aware of your complete and bitter indifference to my work and my education. As a kid from a small town with an even smaller bank account and short last name, it is obvious that I have nothing to offer you. In 10 years I will not have enough money to donate to you and I will not be wanting or expecting any kind of alumni honor. All I want is a good old fashioned hard earned college education. That I can afford.

And why shouldn't I be able to afford it? Because my parents are divorced and my family doesn't have enough cash? Might I direct your attention to my GPA and transcripts. Might I remind you of the amount of hours I spent in your library. And might I call to attention to the number of students who are living off check after check from their papas fancy pens and who spend the majority of that money on cocaine and vodka to get through all your classes.

College, you set freshmen up so nicely and you pump them so full of false hope it's sickening. And why? So that you can prepare an impressive demographic in your incoming freshman class and get a good rating in the next issue of College Scene Magazine. Well I do not feel indebted to your school and I do not feel that I owe you any more of my hard earned and self earned money or brain power.

So peace out expensive and prestigious university. I'm over you.

Not so sincerely,

Claire M. Miller

Seafair Triathlon: a view into the women of my family

Today my three sisters and my mom and i completed the Seafair Triathlon. If you've been looking at my fratured blogs you'd know Leah had been planning this for some time to prepare for the wedding and what not. If not, that's what it was...

Anyway, this morning at 5:00 two rrom calls and an annoying phone alarm woke my mother, little sister and I up and got us rolling. It was the day of the big event. I split the tri with mom and maggie: i swam, maggie biked and my mom ran. We all finished with some struggle, some ease, a lot of pride and more fun. Leah, being the gifted athlete she is, did the whole thing solo and finished with a beautiful anf graceful sprint across the finish line. Mary did the kids Tri with almost NO training and did it magnificently.

The best part of the whole day was knowing that we had all sone it. We had finsihed, whether in teams or in an individual event, we had finished. all of us. And even those who did it solo did it with loud and outrageous cheers resonating from the sidelines. Right when I got out of the water Leah was yelling and cheering me on to run to maggie to start her off on the bike. When maggie came back she was met with huge hugs and a thumbs up as my mom set out with her cassette player for the three mile run. We all cheered each other on and there was no way any of us could have done as well as we did if it werent for the people we had cheering for us.

I guess I complain about my family a lot. About the trouble and the pain the whole thing has caused but at the end of the day theres nothing like having family to cheer you out of the water and into the sun.

much love

How I got here

As most of you know I'm working ina bakery this summer in Yakima. It's cute and quaint and French and fattening. We do special orders for weddings and birthdays and the like and the other day the baker was working extra frantically and as i began to tune in to the whispering circulating around the kitchen I learned a name that represents everything pink and fluffly and snobby to the bakery. Maggie was her name and each year she insisted on a cake from Essencia. This year she was turning 11 and she wanted pink pearls to top her Bavarian Cream Cake. The cake was $75 and Maggie wanted to see it before her mother bought it to approve. Seeing little Maggie walk into the bakery with all 11 years of arrogance making me feel quite inadequate made me think if where she would be when she was 19. Then i thought back to my childhood and the homemade cakes that accompanied my birthdays.

Later as I was washign the dishes in the back and thinking about finding the money for college I thought of Maggie and how she might not have to work two jobs to put herself through school. Or maybe she will. I'll try not to judge. As I washed the dishes I began to cratively put into words the jouney that had brought me to the place I had found myself in. This is roughly what I came up with.

The journey has been long
My feet ache from the miles travelled and
my shoulders hurt from the loads carried.
Yet here I am, my trail has led me here
exhausted, aching and smiling.
Addrenaline has been fueling my journey for some time now
energy found deep within pushing me along this path that has no end
and I come from a deep appreciation for it all.

I come from blonde curls and a red "babing" suit.
I have travelled woth companions of blood
together mowing lawns and sledding hills.
I come from the all too famous "lost childhood"
that is becoming less and less tragic.
I come from Irish tales and an old wood rocking chair.

I have walked miles in uncomfortable middle school shoes.
I have arrived from self-loathing and bitter early teen years.
I am here with nothing but a past of laughter of selfishness of family of mistake and of learned humility.
Finally I have arrived from a high school sweetheart and a perfect 4 years of loss love and friendship.
I have travelled states and learned philosophies and now I am here.

I have travelled miles to be here
I have walked miles in solitude and miles in good company,
But I have walked.
And now today soar feet hold my young body up and the same soar feet will carry me into the future walking and walking and learning all the way.

Other Things

While I was at school I kept finding myself wanted to do other things than the ones I was involved in. Except for rugby I wanted to be home, I didn't like my job, school was stressful and I missed my family. Now that I'm home I find myself just wanting to be back in the city. I'm so bitter about so many things and I'm not sure why. A big part of my life was happiness with what I had at the moment and the things I had, however small, to enjoy. I always made it a point to accept, appreciate, love, and fulfill the life I have and everything that happens in that life. I always told myself that if I didn't enjoy what I was doing I would never be happy. I've been unhappy and bitter for a long time and no matter what I do i can't shake it. I keep wanting and wishing for somehting else and I feel like it's going to lead to a lifestyle of pecimism and bitterness and those are the last things I want. Those are the last things I want in my life and the last things I want to describe myself as. There are so many wonderful things, people, places and experiences happening in my life and I'm blogging about being unhappy. I hate blogging and it's become the the way I describe myself. THAT's why i hate myself! I've become one of THOSE people. Thanks blogspot,  thanks to you I've figured out all my problems. You're my best friend. Love Claire

much love

Karls, shower flops, and all of freshman year

I moved out today. I packed up shop in good ol 714 and am on my way out of SF. I'm also crying. Today ended my first year of college. Freshman year went by faster than anything I've ever experienced and it's absolutely sureal. I left behind a dirty dorm room, a great view, quite the sleeping arangement, an empty closet and an incredible room mate.

The one thing I was the most scared about when I was getting ready to leave for school was my roommate. Who she would be, how she would act, if she would judge me, and would we be able to get along and relate to one another. After a couple NOVEL emails and random phone calls, I slowly began to get to know my room mate. She had played basketball, was the girl who did everything, and was also a workaholic. She had quite the family history and an even better sense of humor. In short, she was me with diet coke instead of chocolate milk, The View instead of the Office, and designer jeans instead of a longboard. She was unlike anything I had ever seen, and I know I'm only feeding the fire of confidence that rages inside of her.

As we began to get to know eachother, we became more than good friends. We had only lived together a couple months and already we were more comfortable around each other than people who had known each other for years. She didn't care about my mess, in fact hers was usually bigger. She didn't care about my bad jokes, her stories were longer and much more random. Lastly, she didn't judge me.

Really, theres nothing else I can say. She was the best thing that could have happened to me freshman year on so many levels. It's so hard to leave her behind and know that even though I'm sure we'll keep in touch, we may never wake up in the same bed, share shower flops, buy each other diet cokes, facebook stalk together, actually stalk together, or share the memories we made this year again. And that hurts.

I didn't think I would cry when I left. But Karls was somethign else.

So long SF, I'll see you soon.
Karls, love you baby. Make it a blast, you always do.

much love

Ahhhh the strep...how I've missed thee

So yesterday (monday) I woke up with a soar throat. No biggie I thought, I was stressed from finals, was working out a lot to train for Leah's triathlon and wasn't getting a lot of sleep. So it was all to be expected. I went through the day feeling rather crappy, just in a general state of crapiness. Then I went to my drawing class that goes from 7-10. Around 8:30 it hits me.

When I was younger I used to get strep throat allllllll the. When I was a baby it was ear infections...but as I grew older, for some reason my body loooooved the strep throat slash hated it with every fiber of it's being. A big chuck of my childhood memories are waking up in the middle of the night with all the tell tale signs that strep was in and ready to reek havoc. My dad would take me to the ER, greet the nurses with a familiar hello, and get me a popsicle. Of course my temperature would be soaring, sweat would be dripping and I would be freezing. One throat swab later I was curled up in the front seat of my dad's car with a hefty portion of penicillin and another popsicle. Thus was beginning of my age old battle with strep throat.

I have only been really sick once since I've been here and as I've grown older my strep pattern has slowed to about once a year. Well in drawing, my time had come. Within 10 minutes I had a fever, chills that could shake the building and aches and pains like no other. 10:00 finally rolled around and I called my dad only to hear the same old "get to the hospital and get some meds...now" So I did.

Of course the ER, which was the only thing open, has a priority policy. I understand. And of course, they guarantee a nurse will see you within 30 minutes so you think they're speedy quick. Then you get to wait for ANOTHER three hours until the doctor gets around to seeing you. The nurses were not friendly, and the doctor really didn't seem to care. He woke me up from the hour long nap I was taking waiting for him, felt my throat, talked really fast, and only another hour later I got a prescription for Tylenol codeine and penicillin. With a fever of 102 they offered public safety to drive my miserable self back to my dorm where I climbed into bed shaking and chilled to endure the long night of hallucinogenic dreams and severe changes of boy temperature.

This morning I woke up to an even bigger headache and the knowledge that I had to walk to lucky's to get the meds. Peeling myself out of bed in a pool of sweat I clothed myself to the max and made the miserable trek to the store. When I got there I out the order in and went to collect all the necessary items I knew would aid in my recovery: popsicles, orange juice, and gatorade. As I was more or less stumbling down the aisles i began to feel...queezy. I didn't usually throw up when I had strep, so I didn't really know how to handle the feeling. So i began to mozy toward the bathroom in case something were to erupt from deep within me. I began to walk faster. It was coming and i was almost there.......missed it. As i turned my head toward the nearest garbage can I could find, I vomited. And not before I reached the can. So here I was, in the middle of the local grocery store throwing up what little there was in my belly. With much embarrassment I cleaned up what I had left on the floor and added one more thing to my list: 7-up.

And so here I am. In the heat of finals and miserably ill. I don't even want to think about the catch up I'll have to play to get back in shape for the triathlon. Oh, well, for now it's just popsicles and orange juice.

much love

I Love the World

http://youtube.com/watch?v=V5BxymuiAxQ

much love

Home

I know I should be reading. Not blogging. But there are some subjects that interest me a little more than what Paul Bradshaw has to say about prayer in the Patristic Era. So here I am.

The subject for tonight's procratination: HOME. Good ol Yakima, My dad, my brothers playing music, my baby sister giggling, my crazy mom being crazy. All of it. I just really miss it sometimes. At school it's weird becasue I have things for myself. Like I can buy food that only I will eat where as if I bring food home in yakima, itll be gone before it gets tot he kitchen. I was on the phone with peter a while back and it was about the time mary adn george got home from school and soon enough it was on speaker and it was like I was home with them, with peter making his random and under-his-breath jokes that make everyone pee their pants, George and his observations that make everyone stop. turn. look. question. and shake their heads all the while him saying "...what?" and mary. little miss mary just laughing laughing laughing at everything thats going on. I miss family dinners and dads oke of the day from work . him laughing harder at the punch line than anyone else, but a polite ha ha to satisfy him :)

Hmmmmmmmm...home

much love

Rugby and the lifestyle that developed

Last thursday night was the end of the year rugby banquet for the mens and womens rugby teams. So after long weeks of stressful outfit planning and date scheming the big night arrived. the mens team, being many years our senior, built the banquet up all season saying plainly and genuinely that it was just a lot of fun. Yes, I had facebook researched it and after a few online pics, my excitement rose and rose and spilled over into a blood red, tight fitted, strapless dress and black high heels.

The night began with hasty preparation and quick last minute up-do's but once we arrived at the quaint and classly Bocce Cafe it was obvious we had a good night ahead of us. Dinner was wonderful and of course the people were even better. Awards were given out for best forwards, backs, MVPs and other serious matters. There were speeches from the mens and womens side and songs sung one last time. It was a night of classy rugby debauchery. at its best.

After a night like this I though for a long time about the people i had met, befriended and experiences due to the one of a kind sport and lifestyle that is rugby. I remember the first mens game i went to and the shock i felt each time the men dropped their shorts to change into their gear. the fact that they ewre really focused on the beverages they would be consuming after the game rather than the hydration im sure they needed during the game.

I feel like i need to note the amazing people that make up the mens team. Although i am wholly and completely dedicated to the womens team and all that we've accomplished, it wouldt be anything if the guys hadnt taken us in. They made room for us to travel to their games adn taught us during their practices when it was obvious they had precious little time to prepare for thier own games. There was no ego. Only rugby. I learned the sport through experience. too many times the mens coach Otto would throw me in a drill adn yell instructions in what was then a foriegn language. btu i learned the game and i loved every second of it.

When Lori began to coach us she said rugby was a drug, that once you started you would be hooked for life. It's so true. What i learned about rugby that made me fall in love with it is that there is no ego. The men and women work hard so that on saturday they can rail the opposition and play the game they love. there are no stats or averages considered. The whole atmospheere is feulled by a pure love for the sport.

Im not sure what it is about the sport that makes it so intoxicating. you hit and you get hit but that isnt the focus. there is so much going on and its all so fast and all you have time to think about is how badly you dont want your teammate to get buried in a mound of 300 lb islanders. I dont knw how to describe it. It's hard work and passion and adreneline running and ruling you for 80 minutes.

The culture and the atmosphere of the whole thing is another wonderful aspect. After the game the home team hosts a social in which the opposing team joins for of the field interaction. this is the part of the sport that i really feel sets it apart. everything is left on the field and both teams join in a celebration acknowledging their love for the game. There is food, drink , and song and its ALWAYS a good time. there are no hard feelings, only rugby.

The season is over and the mens seniors are graduating. there is a summer coming up that will be spent bulking up for another rough and tumble season that i CANNOT wait for. To the men's team i want to say thank you. you opened up a door for me that has changed my life and that will be a part of me forever. to everyone else hug a rugger ;)

much love

Wavy Gravy, Free Granola, and Earth Day

So today was Earth Day and what better way to experience it than in Golden Gate Park. It was a beautiful day in SF and the wind wasn't strong enough to dampen the spirit of the day, though it was string enough to share the scnts of everything the new and old hippies were smoking.

My friend Whitney and I packed out backpacks and brought a blanket and headed to the park a couple hours after the music started. Brett Dennen was supposed to pay and since he's pretty popular we figured he'd play last and that we could take our time. No dice. we got there for the end of a bluegrass band called Yonder Mountain String Band who were AMAZING. Theres no better place to experience music than in golden gate park on a nice day. Whitney and I both had a lot of homework so we posted up in the very back behind the GIANT group of people. We layed out and just listened to the music as we did our homework and watched the people around us enjoying themselves.

The music festival was called Green Apple Festival and it was dedicated to Earth Day and solar energy and granola and Barack Obama. Sarcasm and speculation aside, it was an amazing thing to be a part of. At one point Whitney said something to the effect that she felt like she was a part of something, like the place just had a vibe that things were happeneing, that in 50 years she could tell her grandkids about the rallie/concert she went to. She was right though. Today was a day that perfectly showcased the spirit of San francisco. Things are happening.

The festival was made up of both music and speakers. There was an old hippie named Wavy Gravy who somehow got put into the program and spent the minutes that he shouldnt have been given on stage ranting about some story im sure an acid trip or two might have helped with. He talked abou this handbag that was a fish and Dave Chepelle and the greatful dead and his adventures with all three. It was NOT entertaining. in fact it was the biggest damper on the wonderful mood that was created by the music. It was wonderful to lay back and listen to musicians create something genuine and wonderful and then Wavy Gravy came on and yelled and ranted in his raspy voice about things no one laughed at. I wonder if Wavy knows what a good bathroom break he supplied for the thousands of people present. He had toured with the greatful dead and, as such, was famous. Makes sense. But really, when the 60s and 70s catch up with the guy and he croaks, I'm not sure there will be very many "NO, not WAVY!"s resonating form SF. Hippir Hill might take a beating, but I think it can do better.

After the old hippie left the stage the music went on and the day continued. Afterwards Karly mentioned something I hadnt noticed: the number of kids present at the festival. I mena yes I can understand one wanting ones kids to grow up being exposed and perhaps cultured, but stoned? Whether you liked it or not, you had to accept that the majority of the people around you were smoking the proverbial reefer. BABIES? really? I mean, young teens and other kids yes i think it would be great for them to experience a day like that in the park, but babies? too far.

Oh San Francisco.

So happy Earth Day everyone. stay fresh, stay clean, stay green!

much love

No time for roses

"stop and smell the roses"

Its getting to be the end of the semester and this one is turning out to be much more stressful than last semester. I know I've been complaining abou this a lot but it's scary. In the rush of finals and the time consumption of work and the desire for more rugby and the NEED for sleep I have found that the roses have remained oderless.

It's stange to think that one school year has almost come to an end when I feel like I just got here. I don't feel like I should be ending my first year of college, or even like I should be in college at all really. I still think back to my youth when I would think about high school students and how I couldnt WAIT for the day when I could be one of those girls. When college came up I just though of old people. boring libraries and quiet studying. I know thats not what college is really like and I know its much more youthful than my pre-teen self liked to think. However, I still feel like I'm out of place in the college scene...like I have to act older and more mature...

What I'm trying to lead up to, and not doing a very good job at, is that this year has come and gone with so much in tow that I have just been trying to keep my head above water and now that I'm getting the hang of it (or not) I'm scared I missed something. I spent/spend so much time being busy with work or school or rugby that I dont have time to slow down. It scares me that in the last year I dont think of new friends and new places. When I think back the first thing that comes to mind is GOD that was hard! Of course I have had a lot of fun, I just feel like when I was having fun I didnt stop to appreciate it as much as I should have.

much love