"This is how the entire course of a life can be changed - by doing nothing. On Chesil Beach he could have called out to Florence, he could have gone after her. He did not know, or would not have cared to know, that as she ran from him, certain in her distress that she was about to lose him, she had never loved him more, or more hopelessly, and that the sound of his voice would have been a deliverance, and she would have turned back. Instead, he stood in cold and righteous silence in the summer's dusk, watching her hurry along the shore, and the sound of her difficult progress lost to the breaking of small waves, until she was a blurred, receding point against the immense strait road of shingle gleaming in the pallid light."

-On Chesil Beach
Ian McEwan

Support our troops....?

A mission, well wish, or an actuality? I feel like our country is so backwards and it's so frustrating sometimes. I know two people personally who have served in Iraq since the war has started and they have both had to kill people. Neither will really talk about it but the jist has been made pretty obvious. One of the soldiers had to kill an innocent woman. It was most likely due to the fact that the woman had no clue what she was supposed to do or what the American soldiers were asking of her. But the soldier was ordered to kill her and the passenger in her car and he did.

Personally, I don't know if I would be able to take a life. I ran over a squirl once and felt awful, even cried. Now if it was in defense, I could see it being a little easier, like if someone broke into my house or threatened my family or something like that. But I don't think I have it in me to take an innocent life. If I ever did, i would need an outrageous amount of really good therapy. Now add the stress, pressure and sorrow of being in a different country, away from home, AT WAR, and having to take an innocent life. Then the next day seeing your friends killed and/or mamed. Then having to shoot random people in the streets, not knowing who or what they are.

Our soldiers are put in extraordinary situations daily and are commanded to perform. An entire country is oressuring them to do the things we cannot. They are used to do the dirty work of the rich politicians who make all the decisions. And yet when they are finally able to come home we, as a nation, do not support them, no matter what we like to display on our t-shirts and car windows. WAY too many soldiers are not given care and attention they NEED. This is not a .uxury we are denying them, it is a necessity. How can we send our sisters and our brothers and our cousins and nour parents to war without making sure they are taken care of? These are the people who risk their lives and the weel being of their own families so that we can sit in our nicely heated houses and enjoy home cooked meals and the conversation of our loved ones. There should never be a question of whether or not to support our troops. It should be a priority.

For the better part of my life the word "patriotic" and the phrase "proud to be an American" were the last things I wanted displayed on my bumper. I knew that I should love my country and that I should be willing to fight for it and most likely if you would have asked me either of those questions I would have answered with a resounding and seemingly confident yes. But he truth is, I never honestly and deeply felt proud or excited to be what so many other nations have associated with obesity, money, debt, rash decisions, hurtful pride, false security, hypocrisy, and corruption. I was never proud to be an American until the evening of November 4th. On the evening I heard a man stand uip and rally the people around him. I heard and watched a man overcome adversity and push others to do so too. I heard and saw a man admit to the large task at hand and admit that it would be a rocky road and ask for help from those who put him there. I heard and saw a man take power into his hands and hold it gently, knowing what it could mean for the nation he never stopped believing in.

Barack Obama is a better person than I am. He knew all along what his nation was capable of, whereas I was ready to move to the south pacific and break all ties with my native land. What Barack Obama means for this country is humility and grace, confidence and depth of character, reason and passion, hope and real justice. Leadership will not be based of fear anymore but compassion. We will not drop bombs we will rebuild schools and take care of our soldiers and educate teachers and support local economies and live sustainably.

Barack Obama, you have given me hope. You have turned a pesimistic 19 year old into an excited and proud American. I can't tell you how excited I am to be taken seriously by the rest of the world.

much love

God, The Creator and the Human Being

It's late and I should be asleep but like most late nights when I think too much and I can't sleep, I blog. Tonight's subject is one of a heftier thought load than most previous posts, but it's what I have on my mind...so here goes.

The subject is God. Or the Creator, or the individual, or the great mother, or however you choose to view the great force that drives, creates, frees, and illuminates us. Or at least me. I was raised Catholic and I feel that I have deep deep roots in the religion but I also feel that it has given me my own and individual faith.

What I think is so special about that force is that it propels so many, and I think all, of our actions and our thoughts and our cares and our dreams. I see that force, God, in everything. I see it in human interaction and nature most of all. The two go hand in hand in more ways than I can even think of and I think even further testifies to the way that force works. Human beings have a deep desire to be with one another. Some people consume their lives with finding a companion for the rest of their lives. People write songs and make movies and write books and drain themselves to find "the one". People live for other people. We complete each other. And isn't it interesting that human beings can do all those things (write music and books and movies) and we dedicate those enormous gifts to human interaction and the wooing of companions of all kinds- friends, lovers, family. Nothing can make one happier than the acknowledgment of someone close to ones heart.

Family is the best example of human beings fulfilling one another. My brothers and sisters, for example, are all SOOO different and they all complete me in different ways. Both my parents being me to life in different but equally special ways.

My friends and teammates complete me in a totally different way and they challenge me and because of them I know more about myself. Without that interaction I would be a completely different person.

Birth is the beginning of life and it starts with dependency and interaction between two people. The mother to the father and the mother to the baby and the father to the baby. My sister Maggie is pregnant again and I am older this time and can really understand what that means and its mind blowing. The way she is bringing a new life into the world and the way she is raising her son now is one of the most special things I've ever witnessed. It's a matter of interaction and dependency and more than anything LOVE. She, a mother, is love and grace and everything that shows the power and divinity of that force.

Nature, be it a mother and child, a forest, the sea, or the changing of the seasons, is that force, or God, at work. The force brings us into the world and reveals to us all the ways that we can feel truly alive.

Anyway, that's what I think. It's not about religion or organization, I think that life is about feeling alive and being aware of the force that has brought us to where we are and will carry us to the place we are supposed to be. Once I heard a priest say "Do not be afraid, just have faith." I find that so comforting not because I expect some huge white guy to come down and place me in a particular place but rather because I have faith that if I do what makes me happy and if I work for what I want, what is supposed to happen will.

Do not be afraid, just have faith.

much love

Dear College,

I have recently become aware of your complete and bitter indifference to my work and my education. As a kid from a small town with an even smaller bank account and short last name, it is obvious that I have nothing to offer you. In 10 years I will not have enough money to donate to you and I will not be wanting or expecting any kind of alumni honor. All I want is a good old fashioned hard earned college education. That I can afford.

And why shouldn't I be able to afford it? Because my parents are divorced and my family doesn't have enough cash? Might I direct your attention to my GPA and transcripts. Might I remind you of the amount of hours I spent in your library. And might I call to attention to the number of students who are living off check after check from their papas fancy pens and who spend the majority of that money on cocaine and vodka to get through all your classes.

College, you set freshmen up so nicely and you pump them so full of false hope it's sickening. And why? So that you can prepare an impressive demographic in your incoming freshman class and get a good rating in the next issue of College Scene Magazine. Well I do not feel indebted to your school and I do not feel that I owe you any more of my hard earned and self earned money or brain power.

So peace out expensive and prestigious university. I'm over you.

Not so sincerely,

Claire M. Miller

Seafair Triathlon: a view into the women of my family

Today my three sisters and my mom and i completed the Seafair Triathlon. If you've been looking at my fratured blogs you'd know Leah had been planning this for some time to prepare for the wedding and what not. If not, that's what it was...

Anyway, this morning at 5:00 two rrom calls and an annoying phone alarm woke my mother, little sister and I up and got us rolling. It was the day of the big event. I split the tri with mom and maggie: i swam, maggie biked and my mom ran. We all finished with some struggle, some ease, a lot of pride and more fun. Leah, being the gifted athlete she is, did the whole thing solo and finished with a beautiful anf graceful sprint across the finish line. Mary did the kids Tri with almost NO training and did it magnificently.

The best part of the whole day was knowing that we had all sone it. We had finsihed, whether in teams or in an individual event, we had finished. all of us. And even those who did it solo did it with loud and outrageous cheers resonating from the sidelines. Right when I got out of the water Leah was yelling and cheering me on to run to maggie to start her off on the bike. When maggie came back she was met with huge hugs and a thumbs up as my mom set out with her cassette player for the three mile run. We all cheered each other on and there was no way any of us could have done as well as we did if it werent for the people we had cheering for us.

I guess I complain about my family a lot. About the trouble and the pain the whole thing has caused but at the end of the day theres nothing like having family to cheer you out of the water and into the sun.

much love

How I got here

As most of you know I'm working ina bakery this summer in Yakima. It's cute and quaint and French and fattening. We do special orders for weddings and birthdays and the like and the other day the baker was working extra frantically and as i began to tune in to the whispering circulating around the kitchen I learned a name that represents everything pink and fluffly and snobby to the bakery. Maggie was her name and each year she insisted on a cake from Essencia. This year she was turning 11 and she wanted pink pearls to top her Bavarian Cream Cake. The cake was $75 and Maggie wanted to see it before her mother bought it to approve. Seeing little Maggie walk into the bakery with all 11 years of arrogance making me feel quite inadequate made me think if where she would be when she was 19. Then i thought back to my childhood and the homemade cakes that accompanied my birthdays.

Later as I was washign the dishes in the back and thinking about finding the money for college I thought of Maggie and how she might not have to work two jobs to put herself through school. Or maybe she will. I'll try not to judge. As I washed the dishes I began to cratively put into words the jouney that had brought me to the place I had found myself in. This is roughly what I came up with.

The journey has been long
My feet ache from the miles travelled and
my shoulders hurt from the loads carried.
Yet here I am, my trail has led me here
exhausted, aching and smiling.
Addrenaline has been fueling my journey for some time now
energy found deep within pushing me along this path that has no end
and I come from a deep appreciation for it all.

I come from blonde curls and a red "babing" suit.
I have travelled woth companions of blood
together mowing lawns and sledding hills.
I come from the all too famous "lost childhood"
that is becoming less and less tragic.
I come from Irish tales and an old wood rocking chair.

I have walked miles in uncomfortable middle school shoes.
I have arrived from self-loathing and bitter early teen years.
I am here with nothing but a past of laughter of selfishness of family of mistake and of learned humility.
Finally I have arrived from a high school sweetheart and a perfect 4 years of loss love and friendship.
I have travelled states and learned philosophies and now I am here.

I have travelled miles to be here
I have walked miles in solitude and miles in good company,
But I have walked.
And now today soar feet hold my young body up and the same soar feet will carry me into the future walking and walking and learning all the way.