Life keeps going on and things keep happening but the changing of events isnt whats been occupying my mind. My thoughts have turned more and more to my future and what awaits me. I really hate admitting this because I never wanted to be someone who obsessed over their future. I want to live in the moment and, yes, still work toward something but do so without compulsively planning out how it will determine my future. But all of this is so say that the pressure to make a plan for my life is increasing daily. It really only comes from myself and the lack of plan makes me even more afraid of a plan and the need for one.
I'm sure this is all very confusing...the lack of plan and the fear of a plan has created this hollow restless feeling . Like I'm waiting for something to start or for an adventure to sweep me away. All the things that have happened in my life lately seem to have floated by in front of me and though I know them and am connected with them it feels like theyre far away some how.
My very best childhood friend Diana has gone to a different school than me since we graduated from 8th grade but she will always be my soul sister. We go through months without talking but when we catch up we are always on the same page, always experiencing the same joys, doubts, fears and feelings. When I tried to explain this restlessness thats been occupying my thoughts and keeping me awake she knew exactly what I was talking about and said she had felt the same way since graduating high school. She said it was as if we left yakima with these grand ambitions of how we would go somewhere and make something of ourselves but we were blind going into the vast everything. There was nothing waiting for us though. It was like no one cared that we wanted to save the world, we werent doing anything about. So now here we are with no one to save and no plan .
She said (and a lot of people have been saying this to me lately) that we're 20 year old girls...this is the time to do whatever we want. We arent married and we dont have kids. Now is the time to travel and go sky diving and learn to fix a car and make up our own bed times.
My mom says I wont feel settles until I get married and have my first baby. This is a really beautiful thought, it offers me this vision of real security and a definite happiness but to be honest I dont even know if I want that. Why does something that sounds so great not sound like a good enough answer? It's scary to think about this unsettled, unconnected, restless feeling accompanying me through the rest of my life.
I just feel like this is one rare window I have in my life in which I can do things I want to do for me. I have no idea what I'm working toward in school and it's hard to be focused and to invest so much money on something that is still a complete mystery. I'm not saying I want to drop out of school and be a gypsy (though some days it sounds tempting), I still love learning and it's a privilege. But I feel in my gut like I'm missing out on something. Like I need to just get up and go.
Ahhhh the troubles of a 20 year old middle class American white girl.
much love
